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I am not quite sure what to say. What a wonderful way to start off an entry. I really don't know why I am doing this. I haven't written in here in a long time and I really didn't plan to start again. However I keep trying to start this train of thought in my head to express to someone and I keep missing the time or having difficulty getting it out. I am hoping that just openly writing about some of my past experiences and current feelings will help my situation. Maybe.
Okay, so in order for all of this to make sense I have to start back at the beginning-ish. Whenever I became pregnant with Tori I was terrified. I was in a very new relationship, my only really serious relationship ever, and there I was... 19 years old, pregnant, in a 3 month old relationship, and scared. As time, and my pregnancy went on, I went through a ton of different emotional states, which I am sure all woman experience with hormones raging and all. However, during this time I am trying to keep my self together as well as my relationship functioning and all of this time I am freaking the hell out. How am I going to do this? What is going to become of me? What happens if Chris leaves me? OMG WHAT IF CHRIS LEAVES ME!? Yeah. I know. I don't know if this is typical young preggo talk but it was wretched.
At any rate, I had Tori and I became even more depressed that I ever could have imagined before. Here I had this tiny little thing that screamed at me that I had to take care of all day alone. I felt disconnected from my friends at first because they couldn't understand my situation at all, unfortunately, I mean I had been there before with Mindy, so I understood. However, once I started to fade away from my friends I sunk into a deeper depression. I cried most of the days Chris was gone at work. I was so scared. I tried to appear strong on the outside and it failed miserably. However as Ani DiFranco would say, "I'm proud of the fact that I'm worse off than I seem". I may have been down to everyone around me but I was drowning inside. The doctor had given me Zoloft but I didn't want to take it. I don't know why. Maybe because of breastfeeding? Either way I threw it away. I wish I wouldn't have.
Chris did suffer out of this and our relationship obviously did as well. I was sinking and he was the only one I knew I had left to cling to, so I did. I know I clung to him horribly and it more than likely drove him away but I just felt like he was all I had left. He could help me out of this... right?
And he left. Looking at my state at the time I don't really think I blame him. At least for that. I was a mess. I became a mess the day I became pregnant and continued to fall even further once Chris had left. Eventually I got back up. Which is where we are now.
Chris asked me the other day why I was not in a relationship. I gave many reasons like "I really want to focus on myself first and be happy with me before I go into another relationship", which is really true. However I was quick to tack on "Don't think it is because of you or anything." Which is my automatic independent girl reaction now. I would never give him such vulnerability again. And that is where I started thinking. Why am I really not interested in a relationship?
For lack of a better term I am emotionally traumatized. Okay, that sounds dramatic, but you get my point. In my deepest darkest time when I thought I may never see light again the one person I reach my hand up for had vanished. I felt so dark and alone. Granted circumstances obviously played a part in this but it was a horrible ordeal to go through. Sometimes my mind says "it's okay, just go" and all of the other time my heart says "no, just not yet."
I haven't fully recovered yet from the downfall of giving everything completely to someone and having them turn their back when you need them most. I am not saying any of that to bash on Chris in the least, I can only imagine how hard it was to deal with me. What I am saying though is that is hard to recover from. Most people now don't give themselves completely which is why they don't fall as hard or take as long to get back up. We get jaded over time and learn not to get completely invested in something you can't really control, someone else. Don't get me wrong, blindly falling completely for someone and giving them everything you thought you could have to offer is a wonderful feeling, the innocence and nativity. But you only do that once. Just once. Probably only in fear of feeling that fall again.
I don't know if any of this will make sense to any one else but I really just needed to write for a while a clear my head. I feel better now.
I just need to heal and claim that real independence that is rightfully mine. And that takes time.
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beyondjupiter's journal
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